DOG RULES

If I like it, it's mine
If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
If I can take it from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
If I saw it first, it's mine.
If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
If it's broken, it's yours.
 

DOG ETIQUETTE

Licking: Always take a big drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human.  Humans prefer clean tongues.  Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Holes:  Rather than digging a big hole in the middle of the garden and upsetting your human, dig smaller holes all over the garden so they  won't notice.  Arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole; they'll think it's moles.

Doors:  The area in front of the door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

The art of sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed everywhere.  It's your job to accommodate them.

Dining etiquette:  Always sit under the table at mealtimes, especially when there are guests so you can clean up any food that falls to the floor.  It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Housebreaking: Housebreaking is important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Going for walks:  Rules of the road; when out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

Couches:  It is permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

Playing:  If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or a stick; aim for the flowerbed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

Chasing cats:  When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them, it spoils all the fun.

Chewing:  Make a contribution to the fashion industry ... eat a shoe.